Eru, not ANOTHER one!
by huntress-callisto
Summary: You've probably heard of me. Not that you know who I am, of course. MS parody from an unusual POV.
1. Chapter 1: Sue 1497

Disclaimer: I own Raina, Lalaith, Melde, and any Sues. I have absolutely no desire to own Arda, because then I'd have to protect it from all the Sues. And that seems like a pretty miserable job, to me.

Suilad.

Now you've probably heard some stories about perfect and beautiful princesses who save the world from an unknown 21st Ring of Power, etc. These may seem painful to the outsider, but trust me, they're much, much worse from the inside. Especially when you are forced to pretend to like the dratted things, and serve them. I am the Maid. These are my stories:

**Sue #1,497; Day 1:**

Valar help. Have been summoned to Lord Elrond's study once again. That never means anything good, these days.

Have reached the study. Deep breaths before you enter. Don't kill the yrch, as much as it's tempting.

Apparently, her name is Andaraleinyatalkelecarma Niarantarlesusnin, princess of I-blanked-out-at-this-point. I don't need to know where she's from, after all. I just have to curtsy and say 'my lady' or 'híril nín' a lot.

This one is even creepier than most. Since when has silver hair with blue stripes been attractive? And don't even mention the eyes. The author seems to have defined them as 'ruby', but to me it just looks like Sauron has taken up permanent residence in her eye sockets.

Leading her back to her room now. She's so many flounces and ruffles and lacy frilly things on her (still barely decent) gown that it's a wonder she can walk. Actually, she doesn't walk so much as much as she flounces through her masses of skirts with her nose so high I could look up her nostrils. How she doesn't trip is beyond me, especially now. These authors never really define Imladris, so there are these weird blurry patches everywhere, and sometimes the architecture flashes from normal to Sue-brained. One author even thought Rivendell was built on talans, like Lothlorien. All the buildings moved themselves on top of the pinewood. Not a pretty sight.

But I am reminiscing. We've reached her room. We always give them the same ones—they're only reachable by a veritable maze of passageways. It tends to keep them away from anyone else.

I curtsy and say the usual line:

"I will leave you to your rest, my lady."

Her eyes widen at the sound of my voice. I smirk inwardly. I may not be a stunning beauty like Lady Undomiel, but I have my talent; storytelling. I enjoy it, and have been told some wonderful things about the hypnotic qualities of my voice. Maybe that's why I was given this job—it might make them shut their mouths for once. Or not.

" I will needeth thou to style-eth my hair. And I have need of thine finestest cosmetics. Chanel will do. And a mosteth beautifical gown. Hot pink with silver embroidery."

My ears! Valar, I don't know if this or expletive-like-expletive is worse. And where in the name of Varda herself am I supposed to get cosmetics?

Elves don't wear them, and most of THEM bring their things with them.

"I will do as híril nín commands."

Right. Time to call on some friends.

"She wants a WHAT?'

Poor Raina. She's normally the kindest person you'll meet in Imladris, but the Sues are getting to her. And with her talent, it's expectable.

She's spent the last 400 years making the most beautiful gowns, and all of a sudden she's being commissioned 'hot pink with silver embroidery'.

"Goheno, Raina, but you know that we must put up with them."

"I know, I know. Listen—can I make you a gown as well? That way I won't feel as though I'm wasting my time."

I sighed. Raina's things are beautiful, but I don't like gowns much.

"Only if it's SENSIBLE. You have enough to do without making me things as well."

"Hannad! I was thinking maybe dark green, to bring out your eyes…" Raina began to scribble on a bit of parchment, drawing out designs.

"Don't forget the pink one!" I called as I left her quarters. She waved a hand at me, tucked her gold hair behind one ear, and continued to draw.

Next favour—Lalaith.

"You _could_ poison her, you know." Lalaith said calmly, watching me as I paced back and forth.

"She'd probably just be immune to it. No, I'm just going to put up with her. And for that, I need your help."

"What do you need?" There was apprehension in her voice as she continued to watch me.

"Cosmetics. 'Shanel' or some suck thing." Lalaith buried her head in her hands.

"It's not _that_ bad. We have some left from eleven times ago, when that red-haired one brought a whole store with her, and we stole it to keep her from killing her horse. And I thought we could mix some up, though maybe with a few changes…" Lalaith noticed the wheedling tone in my voice before she got what I was saying.

"_Sabotage?_" She burst out hopefully. Lalaith is younger than I am, and rather like a mortal sometimes.

"Not poison. I thought maybe some of that oil from the south, that makes humans itch."

"And maybe some of that pepper in the eye paints?" Her face was brightening, eyes lighting up at the promise of tricks. She and the twins should be kept apart with a full-length spear.

"Exactly. Can you get it done soon?"

"It'll be ready by undómë."

Just finished styling the monstrosity's hair. Raina brought the gown, and Lalaith the paints. I have to say, Raina made even that thing beautiful.

I think I'll skip the feast tonight. Head straight to the Hall of Fire, then practice my Quenya by translating HER name. It's bound to be something ridiculous. I'll let someone else keep her hormones under control. These ulgundi are beginning to get to me.

**Day 2:**

Woke up this morning and went for a long walk in the gardens. Heard the most terrible noise- her trying to serenade someone, I think. I'd kill her, but I think she'd get kicked out of Mandos out of general annoyancy.

Hobbits arrived today. Dûnedain and Glorfindel along as well. Lalaith said one of the hobbits was wounded by a Nazgûl. A messenger went around to all the herbalists looking for rare supplies.

SHE is having a field day. Cornered Dûnedain and tried to seduce him. Should have seen his face when she told him her name. As far as I can tell, It means A long outsider not female, silver-footed and house handed. I didn't even bother with the surname.

She wants ANOTHER dress for dinner tonight. Violet with gold embroidery and grey pearls. And a 'mini-skurt' and 'tank' for tomorrow. 'Hêls' as well 'Stey-let-os'. A 'braw' from 'Vee Es'.

What have I got myself into?


	2. Chapeter 2: Sue 1497 Cont

Disclaimer: I own Melde, All Sues, and any other characters you don't recognize. Everything else belongs to the Great Professor. And, honestly, if I was creative enough to make up Ea, then I wouldn't be writing fanfiction.

**Sue #1497, Day 3:**

Still stuck with HER. Dûnedain is staying close to Híríl Undomiel, since that tends to keep HER away. As annoying as they might be, they aren't a match for Lady Evenstar.

Cannot hear. SHE screamed so loudly when she woke up this morning that she damaged my ears. Apparently, Lalaith made some of her own changes to the cosmetics we gave her. It's her own fault, really, being so vain.

Anyways, what ever Lalaith did, it made her face get giant purple blotches. Must remember to disclaim for her sometime. She loves that.

Am planning on spending the day training. Haven't been on a run for a while. Her High-and-blotchyness will have to live without little Melde for a day, since I might have to murder someone if I'm stuck with her for any longer.

Yavanna, I hope she doesn't like forests….

**Later:**

Apparently SHE has been shadowing the Twins today. How else would one walk into a tripwire and have a bucket of orange paint emptied over oneself? They may be pranksters, but they're not evil. They only embarrass people who deserve it. And trust me, SHE deserves it.

Have been called to ready her for dinner. Seems to think there is a special reason to dress up tonight. Raina is sick of making her dresses, so we're just pulling them out of the stock we keep ready.

Oh, Valar, it's worth it to see her face! Silver and blue hair, red eyes, orange skin AND purple blotches. Dress her in a yellow and green gown and she'll be a complete rainbow.

She insists on the gown with the lowest neckline of the ones I brought. I think if I told her the word 'subtle', she'd burst into flames. I wonder who she's after?

**At dinner:**

That explains it. Strange, twisted Sue time has made the delegate from Mirkwood arrive tonight. Poor, poor prince. I think I'll escape to laugh my head off in the bushes.

**Day 4:**

Have garnered support of two smallest hobbits. They too can tell she's evil. Me, them, the Twins, Lalaith and Raina make 7. We are going to make her life miserable until she leaves.

I wonder where she's at? Asked for an extra-special gown this morning too. She's still mourning her lack of 'braws' and 'lawn-gher-ay', but seems to have settled for the most outrageous and wench-like gowns we have.

Ah. Apparently there is some sort of Council meeting. All the important people are missing.

I wonder if we can recruit Mithrandir to help us out? A few spells would come in handy.

I just had a mental image of her running screaming out of her room, her crimson and lime gown spurting sparks. Oh, I hope he will help. That would make Andaraleinyatalkelecarma Niarantarlesusnin a Sue to remember!

I'm sorry this is shorter than the last one. This just seemed like a good place to end. Next chapter: Melde and her allies gain some small satisfaction from HER.

Review please! I want to know if this is worth continuing and adding other Sues. Right now it's just looking like a one-time thing, but I can always add more.


	3. Chapter 3: Sue 1497GOING, GOING, GONE!

Disclaimer: Melde, Raina, Lalaith and All Sues are mine, as well as anything else you don't recognize.

**Sue #1497; Day 5**

Mithrandir refuses to get directly involved. Something about how he is here to protect Arda from evil, but cannot directly challenge Gauthor. I'm assuming that includes HER as well.

He did give us a firework though. And a couple of other tricks. Raina is hiding the firework from the Twins, Lalaith and the hobbits. She's the only one of us that isn't likely to do anything stupid with it without a plan.

Time has been strange around here lately. We were supposed to wait until the scouts came back, but instead they are leaving tomorrow. Strange Sues…

She has called me in to pack her things. Apparently she wants to seduce Prince Legolas on the journey. I'm just glad Hír Elrond has convinced her that she cannot take servants on the Quest…..

Thank Eru… Imagine being stuck with a hormonal HER, with Prince Legolas trapped nearby. Torture, for both of us.

She seems to have located her 'lawn-gher-ay' at long last. No WONDER they're so hormonal where these things come from, if people walk around wearing THAT.

No, apparently they're undergarments. She doesn't seem to care. I think I'll have to steal them otherwise she'll walk around in them during the quest.

Or maybe I should make her wear them, and send her to Isengard, claiming it's Legolas's summer retreat. Saruman could deal with her for me.

No, apparently Sue-sacrifice to evil wizards is out. Hír Elrond has been keeping a watch on my mind. He thinks I'll go crazy if I'm near HER for too long. Well, it's his own fault, always sending me to deal with them. I'm eventually going to crack.

I have to dress her and show her to tonight's feast… Hmm… a perfect opportunity for a little firework action.

**Later:**

Raina sewed the firework into the hem of the dress SHE'll be wearing. Neckline down to there, slits up to here, skin tight in between and ruffley below. Perhaps the most outrageous garment I've ever seen, contending with that 'lawn-gher-ay'.

My dress is done as well. I am being forced to wear it to the feast by Raina and Lalaith, who fancies herself some sort of transformer. Turning prickly Meldes into beautiful and stunning ellyth. Unlikely. I LIKE being prickly. Protects me from THEM.

**In HER Rooms:**

She is finally done primping. Looks ridiculous. HAHAHA! Lalaith's plans are foiled. Everyone will be so busy laughing at her that they won't notice me. I might just skip out on the feast and go to the Hall of Fire. No, but then I'd miss her screaming when she discovers her dress is on fire.

I enter before her. One of the tricks Mithrandir gave us was a spell to light things on fire from a distance. That way, the exact moment she gives her dramatic entrance, I can light the firework.

IT WAS WORTH ALL OF IT!!!!!

The Twin's snickers as I entered in a dress, having to wear the blasted thing in the first place, everything. Her face as she realized her train was shooting sparks was fantastic.

I think this is going to become one of my fondest memories. And being an eldarie, I have a lot of them.

**DAY 6:**

They left. Finally. Just barely managed to keep her from killing Bill the pony with all her luggage. She's gone. I can go back to being a storyteller, without a care in the world.

Wait… oh, Mandos, not again.

Everything's spinning, and there's a lot of wind. I know what that means by now---there's another one on her way.

ERU! When are they going to STOP?

Next time--- half unicorn, half elf. Oh, dear. Imladris will never be the same.

Review, por favor.


	4. The Unielf whatsit thing

Disclaimer: I own Melde, Raina, Lalaith, THEM, and anything else you don't recognize. I'm busy enough without owning Tolkien as well.

A/N: Sorry this took a bit, I'm on a FIRST robotics team and it's crunch time.

I got your suggestions to continue, so I'm going on with the Sues. I have to be careful not to drive Melde TOO insane…

**Sue #1498: Day 1**

Stupid ulgundi. Stupid, stupid, HORMONAL ulgundi.

There's ANOTHER one.

AGAIN.

I deserve at least a COUPLE re off.

GRRRRR…..

This one is half horse.

Or something.

Seriously. Half white horse, half elf, in this skimpy little top made out of shells. (1) There's a big horn thing coming out of her forehead. Creepy purple eyes too. Red hair, and pointed ears.

Does she think she's an Eldarie as well as being attractive? Because if she does, she's the most delusional person in Ëa since Fëanor.

And that's saying something.

Didn't even bother with her name this time. Showed her too her room as quickly as I could.

Those hooves scratched up the floor. The Twins aren't going to be happy. This is their favorite We-are-roaring-drunk-and-so-will-be-extra-annoying-and-slide-down-this-passageway-with-our-hose-pulled-down-over-our-feet-and-yelling-extra-loudly-to-annoy-THEM passageway.

"NEEIGH! I require hay to eat before the feast."

Oh, Valar. Apparently she needs both horse food and ordinary food.

Who ever invented this one should be delivered to Gorthaur with a sign around her neck saying 'I am extra annoying, please torture me'.

I'm sure he would be delighted to oblige.

**Later:**

SHE asked for something extra-special to wear to dinner tonight. Somehow they are unable to eat dinner in their rooms. At least this one didn't specify. I think I will borrow Elladan's saddle blanket from the last time he and Elrohir went racing in the mud. SHE is half horse after all.

Or something.

**Even later:**

Have decided that I am going to leave Imladris. Raina is going to deal with HER while I am gone.

She is rather calmer than I am though, so no trouble. Hír Elrond doesn't mind as long as he doesn't have to deal with THEM.

Have decided to visit Adar's family in the Havens. Maybe I'll get sea-longing and be forced to leave for Aman.

Eru, I hope THEY aren't there too.

**16 days later:**

Have made it to Bree.

It is made of smelly cheese.

Am going back. They need my help.

**14 days after that:**

I think the fumes from that cheese made me a masochist. SHE has decided to repaint Imladris with hot pink hearts everywhere.

The Twins painted one on her hindquarters.

And sawed off her horn thingy while she slept

And sewed poison ivy on the inside of all of her gown/saddle blanket things.

And got her very drunk and told her that Prince Legolas's room was on the lower north side.

Where the dwarf emissaries are staying.

The result wasn't pretty.

Then they ran her a bath and had Glorfindel stand next to it without a tunic. She ran in before realizing that there was a funny smell in the room…. the bath was filled with horse manure. And the floor was very slippery.

My main question is how they managed to get Glorfindel to act as bait. He killed a balrog, but even the Lord of the House of the Golden Flower of Gondolin is scared of THEM.

And in general not willing to stand next to tubs of horse manure without a tunic.

I think they've been spending too much time with Lalaith…

(1) Imagine a bikini top, except shells.


End file.
